Remembering the past, preparing for the future

I've been in Germany for less than 96 hours and yet there is more comfort and familiarity than I've realized in a very long time. It took me almost 5 years before I acclimated to the weather in Seattle, and weather aside, there was always a sense that I didn't belong in Seattle. There were many aspects of the city that I loved but interpersonaly, there was an underlying sense that I was an Okie and not as well educated or sophisticated as other mothers in the "play group" of my children. Women I continued to share thoughts and idea's with in Book Club until the time I left Seattle, some 22 years later. They were women I admired, women whom I was intimidated by and even some that I liked. There was not one with whom I would share my dark side, my fears or unhappiness. I understood that these 11 women and their husbands and even their children would come to a Memorial Service should I die, but I wasn't confident that anyone would bring me soup if I were ill.

When I transplanted back to Oklahoma, none of my expectations were realized. It was no longer home except for being in daily contact with my sister. Where as I had expected to "wow" the medical community with my NW knowledge and state of the art case management, I instead alienated myself from the only community I understood. There was suspicion instead of appreciation, and prejudice rather than acceptance coming both from myself and others. It just didn't work. I believed myself to be loosing skills every day I worked and living on a slippery slope made me tense and angry. Personal and social developments developed very slowly and it was not until the month before I left, after having been there almost 5 years, did I understand that some friendships I had made were to be with me a life time.

After I walked Ramstein today, stopping at various neighborhood gardens and belts of green, as I stood in the heart of a small Village and took the time to look beyond the homes with clay roofs to see yellow meadows, larger than rolling hills and various colors of green, did I realize in my heart that I was completely peaceful. I struggled earlier in the day as to where I should live: larger village with congestion and access to shops, pubs, and local market or smaller village with no noise, beautiful countryside but access to the train that would take me to the larger city to see the Ballet, hear the Symphony. Tonight, I am leaning toward the smaller village of Steinwenden-Weltersbach. There is a market, there are restaurants, there are a few shops and of course a bakery on every corner and a train station within a few blocks of a vacant apartment. And there is quiet. There are valleys and fields of tulips, daffodils and lilies to be picked at your leisure and paid for by dropping monies into an empty coffee can based on the honor system.

These are my thoughts tonight as I sit in room 306 at Hotel Europa listening to James Taylor and Jack Johnson, having spent 60 minutes studying for my German driving license test. Peacefulness is just such a wonderful feeling!