Authenticity

I am so stricken with deep emotion that I'm not even sure what it is I intend to write.

My friend Joyce, of Tulsa, OK, recently died of a glioblastoma, and she and her husband decided to return to the "family farm" in Michigan to spend her last weeks. The picture of her Memorial was posted on a blogspot, along with beautiful poetry and words of remembrance and gratitude written by Rod, her husband. But, it was the picture that made me cry.

The Memorial was in a field and those old family friends were sitting on bales of hay wearing overalls and boots on a beautiful October day in Michigan. It doesn't get more real than this. Roots, family, history, love.

I cried because I feel as though I have no roots.

Joyce was adventurous, creative, successful, spiritual and happy, driven and worried mostly about how the brain tumor was going to effect her creative self. It was hard for her to come to peace that her wonderful like was ending but she always had Michigan, and the family farm.

My life is not ending (that I know of ) but tonight, living in Germany, so far from USA soil I wonder...where would I like to return for my last weeks? and, I don't know the answer.

Maybe that's why I cried.

HALLELUJAH CHORUS is not just for Christmas anymore

It was so cold Saturday morning when I awoke, even with my my silk long underwear, flannel monkey pajamas and a top robe, REI wool socks and slippers, I had a really hard time sitting on my balcony trying to smoke my first cigarette of the day. Of course I persevered, but it was not without sacrifice I want you to know. And, my coffee was still brewing!

I putzed around the apartment organizing some business paper's, divided my trash (what an ordeal it is in Germany, dividing all of the trash...compost, paper, plastic, bottles into colors. I swear, it has become a Saturday morning chore!) Had a nice 3 minute egg, left over roasted potatoes and a V8. Music in the background was a nice mixture of alternative pop..Allison Krauss, Bob Dylan, Christy Carlyle. It made me smile and feel content. I dared remove the long johns and take a shower and get on with my day.

I could have control of my music but I have decided it is more adventurous to listen to what is selected and go with it. I didn't bring my CD's, just my IPod (loaded with all of my CD's) and leave it on shuffle, plugged into my IPod station. This is my music. Sometimes, it seems so appropriate and just what I need, and at other times it is startling.

I was in the shower when the Morman Tabernacle Choir came bursting out of the confines of my apartment walls singing Hallelujah Chorus. My first reaction was to jump out of the shower and change the setting but I didn't. I stood naked under a shower of hot water and sang along with the choir, reveling in the beauty of the song. Next came O Holy Night (my daughter's favorite) and more..more Christmas Carols..music only, no words. As I dried myself off to the music of Go Tell it on the Mountain, I thought how silly we are that we listen to "Christmas Music" only during advent. The music is SOOO beautiful and yet, we limit ourselves to listening to it only during a certain season. What a shame, really.

So tonight, once again I am freezing, and I am listening to Bueno Vista Social Club, cuban music, trying to pretend it is 110' outside and I'm smoking a cuban cigar on the porch of a run down warehouse. Really, I need to learn how to turn on my heat because it is friggin cold and I am in reality sitting at my kitchen table wearing long john's, sweat pants, sweater and my fleece jacket. Maybe I'll search for Frank Sinatra singing white christmas...buuurrrrrr

A new love...

I went to the Deutsche Radio Philharmonie yesterday evening in Kaiserslautern expecting to hear a maybe 2nd class, hopefully 1st class Symphony Orchestra in a beautifully ornate 1800 concert hall. What I experienced instead was the most glorious orchestrated sound in a rather ordinary music hall built in around 1850. The building was not ornate but it was big, with a capacity of 1,000 patrons, and the ceilings were ordinary, the pillars huge, the floors tile and the seats mobile. Accoustics were fantastic. The foyer was almost as big as the music hall, and the bar was the most ornate fixture in the entire building.

The music however was more than heavenly. Pieces of 5 different composers, 3 of whom I was familiar and 2 I was not, were Overtures of Opera's so each piece was sung as well as played. I have never been an Opera fan and I know nothing about it, but last night I left the un-ornate music hall in love.

When the Mezzo-soprano came on stage to sing the lyrics of the music the orchestra was playing, I looked at her slim fit body in a skin tight long red gown and thought "this is no opera singer." I was wrong. Which, by the way, seems to be a common theme in my life these days. What I presume to be true, what I declare to be true, what I KNOW to be true, is simply NOT true. This woman opened her mouth, her diaphram and her heart and gave me goose bumps that I had never had before. And when the Tenor joined her for song, I thought I was going to loose it. The beauty was almost to much to enjoy.

The Conductor would tell the story of each piece before it was performed, but I don't understand German, so I was "lost in translation." It mattered not. I didn't need to know what was being said, because I saw the emotion and heard it with every piece of hearing I have. I left thinking I would prefer to loose my sight than my hearing, because I don't believe I could ever see what I heard in that simple concert hall that evening .

After the concert it was a walk across the city square to find a place for dinner. A traditional German resturant was selected and filled with patrons of the Art. The meal was excellent but the patrons were exquisite, with some refusing to let go of the experience they had had and stood spontaneously to imitate the actions of the Conductor. I refrained but I swear, I had his moves memorized and could set them to motion with the least bit of encouragement.

What a wonderful event, experience, evening. I just love the symphony, music in general and I especially love being in the company of those who truly appreciate what they are experiencing. I want more. I think I may enjoy studying opera and becoming a regular attendant who knows what is being sung. But, I think truly it doesn't matter if you understand the language...but then again, I am living in a place where I have not understood what was being said for 4 months! One learns to look at eyes, hand motions, body language. And when that is accompanied with a full 60 piece orchestra there is an understanding that is not denied.

QUEENS FOR A DAY

I just got home from the most wonderful experience. A 7 hour Wellness Spa treatment with 6 other women in some village called Wiesberg. The spa was a large house, completely renovated with thick stucco walls that were rounded and of various heights, beautiful tile floors and state of the art sauna's, steam rooms, group shower room, quiet lounging rooms where talking is verboten as well as chatty lounging rooms.

The day began with a champagne brunch, various cheeses and meats, breads, fruit, and chocolate delicacies. Each of us had 3 individual appointments which included a massage, a facial, and either a head or foot massage. Group experiences included the Steam Sauna with lemon grass water poured ceremoniously over hot rocks, a foot bath with each of us having our own personal ceramic foot sink, and a steam scrub of oils and poppy seeds. In between treatments you could sip champagne, water or wine in the beautifully appointed, albeit sparsely appointed dining room or one of the lounges waiting for an attendant to come and greet you, and take you to your next treatment.

Lunch was divine. Organic greens topped with lox and hot spiced scampi. There were other choices but this was mine and I loved every bite. The husband and wife team who own and run this are in their 40's and would not divulge their dressing recipe :-(

7 middle aged women, 3 of whom are German but with good English ranging in age from 39 to 62, sitting around in bathrobes, sometimes towels, sometimes nothing, becoming friends on a new and different level. Intimate talks, silly behavior, everything real. This is something I would recommend for every woman. We deserve our Queen for a Day!

Life of a Contractor

It has been a roller coaster ride, fast and furious, exhilarating and scary for the past 10 days. I knew when I accepted this contract it was short as I was completing the contract of a person who left prematurely. Not to worry, I was told..we have had that contract for years and even tho' there is no guarantee, we expect it will be renewed. My contract expired September 30, 2009 and there was no signature on the new proposal.

I was in the parking lot ready to leave base, not knowing when or if I would ever enter again when Col. Snyder came running and screaming "the contract has been signed." I was escorted to systems for a new ID card and was told everything was good to go until 12.31.09. Not really "good to go" because I had already lost all of my security clearances and when I returned to work 10.1.09, my computer was locked. It is absolute hell gaining security within the US Military system.

I sat on my balcony early in the week, contemplating my fate. I am not ready to leave Europe. That was my conclusion after heavy thinking, no thinking, over sleeping, no sleeping, over eating, no eating. But now, I have until 12.31.09 before I have to repeat this scenario again.

To relieve stress, I participated in a 5K walk for breast cancer awareness, I went to the gym and worked out on the eliptical for 45 minutes, I enrolled in a cooking class in Italy over Thanksgiving holiday and I booked my flight to Ireland for Christmas. This will pretty much put me up to 12.31.09.

I have options. I can apply for a GS position (good chance I would secure a job) or I can expect that my present company will be awarded the contract in January, which is a new 5 year contract, or hope that if a new company is awarded the contract they will want to retain me. Another possibility is none of these happen and I leave. I don't want to leave and I don't think it will happen. If it does, hey...I'll know how to cook really good Italian food and you can all come to dinner.

Ciao!