I am so stricken with deep emotion that I'm not even sure what it is I intend to write.
My friend Joyce, of Tulsa, OK, recently died of a glioblastoma, and she and her husband decided to return to the "family farm" in Michigan to spend her last weeks. The picture of her Memorial was posted on a blogspot, along with beautiful poetry and words of remembrance and gratitude written by Rod, her husband. But, it was the picture that made me cry.
The Memorial was in a field and those old family friends were sitting on bales of hay wearing overalls and boots on a beautiful October day in Michigan. It doesn't get more real than this. Roots, family, history, love.
I cried because I feel as though I have no roots.
Joyce was adventurous, creative, successful, spiritual and happy, driven and worried mostly about how the brain tumor was going to effect her creative self. It was hard for her to come to peace that her wonderful like was ending but she always had Michigan, and the family farm.
My life is not ending (that I know of ) but tonight, living in Germany, so far from USA soil I wonder...where would I like to return for my last weeks? and, I don't know the answer.
Maybe that's why I cried.
My porch
My balcony overlooking Lake Seewoog
Here's what's happening in my world
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About Me
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- Jennifer
- A native of Oklahoma, I lived in Seattle for 25 years raising 2 incredible children, Megan 27 and Austen now 24. An RN by education and calling now trying to rejuvenate the passion for the profession that has served me well over the past 35 years. My departure from the U.S.A. and entry into Europe has already begun to reawaken my senses and invoke an excitement that I haven't felt in a very long time.
7 comments:
I guess I believe you have to be happy right where you are; that you believe you're doing what you're meant to do and not feeling as if you need to be someplace else to be authentic. This is the moment. This is now. That's what is authentic. You do have roots; you do have (some) family; most certainly, you do have love. You don't have to be in a field someplace to know that. Those people wearing overalls were her family celebrating her life. It wasn't her being authentic; it was them being authentic.
The blog 37 days is about how you'd live your life if you knew you only had 37 days to live. It's a question to ask yourself every morning. What if I had 37 days left? Is this where I'd be? If you're not where you need to be, you have some thinking to do.
I've heard it said that you only know "home" upon a return. I think the next time you're in the States, you will know what your roots are. They might surprise you.
Been thinking of you lots.
I woke up this morning and thought "Jennifer's homesick. She misses her seester."
hahaha. I DO miss my seester but I'm not sure that I'm homesick. I keep worrying about this damn contract and thinking that if I have to return to the states, where would I go? That was the point I didn't make in my blog...I don't have that point of reference of "ah ha..This is home." But yes, I miss you and I miss Tom, and I miss my kids. Thats about it...and a church community.
You have been looking for home for awhile. Maybe this wandering is what you should be doing right now. I think it is. I can certainly understand the feeling of insecurity that the lack of a contract brings. I don't think you are ready to come back yet and the contract will sort itself out. I will probably have to learn a Baptist hymn to sing at your wake a hundred years from now. I will try to do it with authenticity.
"I cried because I feel as though I have no roots."
I absolutely understand.
Laurel, it truly is a shame that we didn't get to know each other when we lived next door to one another. I am glad that you follow the blog and I cheerish your comments. Who knows, I may return. There is only a 3 year lease on 1507!
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